Front Page, November 4, 2015
DOMESTIC CATS WANT TO KILL THEIR OWNERS
Recently, a few days back in Lake Geneva, a cat went missing. Laser is the name of that cat and he was a very special cat teamed up with a very special boy. Not too long ago, an article was published on the Internet, and then reported on national television news, about how domestic cats secretly want to kill their owners because they seek dominance over the pride they have become a part of, or attached to. It seems that although the supposed experts (none of whom have actually lived with a cat) might have a shortage of hands-on life experience with cats. According to them there have been many studies that show domestic cats have the same genetic structure as the big cats (lions, tigers, ocelots, snow leopards, etc.) living in the wild. The only features separating domestic cats from the big cats; is size, and an ability learned over time, to mimic the emotions, wants, and needs of the humans they associate with.
In a study completed in 2013, these same scientists concluded that feral and outdoor domesticated cats were killing billions of birds a year. When the numbers were finally crunched by cat lovers, the supposed scientists retreated to stating that they didn’t mean that domestic cats were killing all the small birds around the world. Their argument about ‘all birds’ began to fall apart when birds such as Bald Eagles and Peregrine Falcons were included in their discussions. They also neglected the fact that wolves, dogs, bears, and almost all other carnivores, namely humans, kill birds as part of the natural order. Nevertheless, and in keeping with the way politicians and world leaders are treated these days, the scientists were not discredited by the media. Now they are back.
If you take a close look at the photo appearing on this front page you will see captured within it the visage of a quiet, happy, and content small boy holding a seemingly (very sly and killing) cat. The cat is named Laser and the little boy is named Evan. It appears the cat was somehow transported from downtown Lake Geneva to Burlington in the course of only two days. The Geneva Shore Report has never backed a wining political candidate, but it’s been responsible for finding two cats so far, and the trade off is mighty acceptable to the GSR staff.
Welcome home Laser!
It is sincerely hoped that whomever took Laser, and transported her far away, might be mollified enough by her triumphant return to not do that sort of thing again. If you lose your cat somewhere around Lake Geneva don’t call Ghostbusters. Call the Geneva Shore Report at (262) 812-4000 and our bored and slothful (and overpaid) X-Files investigators will be all over it.
The GSR also prints stuff about (and chases after) lost dogs, birds, and all pets smaller than they are, except for certain reptiles. The only charge is that slight smile you see on this kid’s face. Laser seems pretty happy too.